Fallacy of Escape
by Fall
Summary: Sometimes, the more you're running away, the more you're running into it. This is what Shuichi learns after using alcohol as a means to forget Yuki...what happens then when Yuki catches him at it? [Shu+Yuki, angst, one-shot]


Date finished: 03 February 2003

Title: Fallacy of Escape  
Series: Gravitation  
Status: Finished (One-shot)  
Pairing: Shuichi + Yuki  
Category: Angst, Shuichi's POV  
Warnings: PG-13 for the angst, shounen-ai theme, implied yaoi, and some language.

A/N: Ah, another angst from me.

_'—denotes thoughts—' || /—denotes emphasis—/_

Standard disclaimers apply. 

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**"Fallacy of Escape"**  
by Fall 

_What you don't know won't hurt you..._

Yeah, it's true. Or at least to those who are aware of how that one line could change a lot in your world. 

Yuki... 

Am I just too bad in bed? Do you really hate the noise I make? Do you hate the color of my hair? Did you really mean it when you told me I'm just a stupid whining brat and nothing else? That I'm emotionally pathetic? Or when you said you need no one? 

Is that why you wrote lyrics for him _/again/_? 

I know I'm pathetic. I've never really done anything to make you want me. What do I have that he doesn't have? Seguchi-san was your friend ever since. He's rich. He's popular. He's got talent. He's got a successful career. He's the president of the company I work for. He knows a damn lot about you, perhaps more than I know and will ever know. I bet he's better in bed than I am. And he's got you. 

It's funny to think that he'd told me we're rivals. I was stupid enough to think along the lines of career rivalry because he was a part of Nittle Grasper. And now I think it's pathetic that what he really meant was that we're rivals over _/you/_. 

Irony of life? How pathetic could that sound? 

I distinctly hear myself chuckle softly. A hollow sound. Me, Shindou Shuichi, the rival of Seguchi Tohma for the love of Yuki Eiri? Dammit. What made him think of me as highly as that? Seguchi-san, you just don't understand. I might be sleeping with Yuki under one roof, but hell, I might as well consider sleeping alone. We're lovers? Who said that? Yuki? Me? If we are, then maybe it's because I love him. I'm his, but he's not mine. How does that make up the whole picture? 

I open the fridge. These are mostly my stuff, but I find myself reaching for Yuki's own. Mm, it's cold. I wonder why he likes it... 

Kyaa! This stuff tastes bitter! 

Or at least bitterer than that concoction I drank loads of last night. What was it again? Tequila? And what was that other stuff? Oh hell. Forget it. Some guy just gave me shot after shot. And those fellows who invited me to drink were all nice enough to tell me to drink away, saying that in return, all they want is for me to sing to them. That they were honored to have someone like me share their humble place. At least they gave me credit for being Shindou Shuichi, the vocalist of Bad Luck who's made it big. We sang the night away in the guy's apartment, although most of the songs they chose were for the brokenhearted. Or at least _/I/_ think that I sang the night away with those sad songs. Didn't notice how much I've had until I heard someone exchanging shouts at the doorway and somebody barging through. Next thing I know, Hiro had dumped me in a car. He must have listened to my feeble protests since he didn't take me back to Yuki's apartment. 

Yuki's apartment. Not mine, but his. 

One can down from Yuki's own stock. Really, Hiro was wrong to give me the cold shoulder this morning. He knew nothing of what I was going through. Why should I tell him anyway? He won't understand. No one would understand. 

Even I don't understand it. 

So he shouldn't have shouted at me. He shouldn't have told me things that made me yell back in retaliation. Sure, he's my best friend, but that doesn't make him an authority over me any time. 

"Arigato for rescuing me, but did I ask you? No. So stop yelling at me like I deserved it!" 

Hiro was really furious. "Stop acting like some kid. You were drinking yourself to death! Oh, I could just really kill him for doing this to you! If only Sakuma-san had called me earlier..." 

Another can down... 

Right. So Sakuma-san had been there with me. He must have called Hiro to pick me up. And look, I almost forgot, I still have his Kumagorou with me. Although Hiro was furious with me, he phoned K-san that we're co-writing a new song together, which we will leave for Suguru-kun to finalize when done. Therefore, both of us will be unavailable till evening. Hiro and I had another shouting match when he proposed to call Yuki, so I left without a word while he was at the phone. 

Then I met Sakuma-san at the park. I tried to run away from him, but he was just too darn fast, and I was feeling so sick that I ended throwing up and he offered to take me home. We walked in utter silence, which was too scary considering that we were both known to be extremely hyper and noisy. At the doorway, I chanced to steal a glance at him and he looked a whole lot like Hiro had been. 

"Shuichi," Sakuma-san started, turning to pin me with that look that said he was disappointed and worried. "Sometimes, we need an escape from this harsh reality, but you should never opt for alcohol as a medium to help you." 

I've only seen him this serious once when he told me we're rivals. Or maybe a lot of times when he's onstage. But fact and fact laid aside, Sakuma Ryuichi rarely used his serious side when he's off stage. 

And then he switched back on to his genki side. 

"You can borrow mine if your Kumagorou is lost somewhere!" He cheerfully announced, oblivious to the fact that I was confused. 

My Kumagorou is lost somewhere? 

Even as he left, I was still in a state of confusion until my sight fell upon a pair of scruffy blue bedroom slippers, with floppy bunny ears askew. Yuki's. Or rather, the pair I gave him months ago. I'd forgotten all about it. 

Kumagorou...and suddenly it struck me. Of course, Sakuma-san was talking about Yuki. Hiro was talking about Yuki. Everyone knew the only thing that ever made me this depressed was Yuki. Yuki was this, Yuki was that. Heck, my whole world revolves around him so much, everyone thinks he's the only one with the power to make it fall. 

And they were right. It's his fault anyway that I got drunk last night. It's his fault...all his fault... 

For being so cold to me. For being harsh. For telling me self-depreciating things. For never saying anything that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. For sleeping with me even if it's just a lie. 

It feels so good to finish another can...and then another...or was that two? 

Yuki, Yuki, Yuuuki! How could you do these things to me? 

"Ah, so you remembered this was your home?" 

Groggily, I lifted my head up, dropping the can I still held. "Yuki," I whispered. "You're home." 

He raised an eyebrow but did not say anything as he stepped over something that suspiciously looked like my vomit. "Of course, baka. Where else should I go, seeing that this is my apartment?" 

"Oh." I said, trying to lift my fogged head. Shimatta. I knew I shouldn't have had a drink again. Or at least until last night's hangover was completely gone. Now I feel so sleepy, Yuki might as well be talking to the table. 

"Shuichi no baka." He said my name. Or maybe I was hallucinating? "Why drink this much? You never did before. And I thought your Hiro would never let you do this. I should've punched him for not looking after you." 

He was picking the cans up and throwing them at the trash bin. I could hear the muffled sounds of cans hitting one another, so that must be it. Now, he must be mopping up my mess. I could hear him muttering curses as he walked around the kitchen. God, I'm so drunk, I swear I'd fall asleep even before I'd told him it was his entire fault. 

_'And Yuki?'_ I silently addressed him. _'Please don't get mad. I drank some of your beer in the fridge. It tastes bad, and I didn't notice I had six until I dropped the last can...'_

"And he should have hit _/me/_ for not taking care of you." 

I swear I wasn't asleep when he said that. And I swear he's now carrying me down to our bed. And that it was his hands that held the damp washcloth that I felt on my face. 

I felt tears forming in the sides of my eyes and rolling down. "I hate you, Yuki," I gritted out, breaking into a shameful bout of tears. I hid behind the sheets as I felt them coming stronger and stronger. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" 

"You hate me enough to come home to me, do you?" He asked quietly. And then he pulled the sheets away from me as he held me, running his fingers through my hair. I guess he wasn't waiting for an answer because he just kissed me softly and made me promise to never scare him like that again. Was he scared because I didn't come home for a whole night and day, or was he scared because there is now a chance that I might finish his beer before he even lays a hand on them? 

Ah, Yuki. I must be really some stupid whining brat. Despite the pain you always cause me, I still love you. I've always loved you, and you know that. Please stop playing with my feelings. You know I'd never leave you anyway... 

"Ai shiteru, Yuki." I whispered, faintly hearing a rustle as I felt the sheets arranged around me. I must have drifted off to sleep and dreamt that fast because I saw you smile lovingly at me and heard you say, "Ai shiteru yo, Shuichi."

—The End—

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Further A/N: Although this is my first _Gravitation_ fic, I'm not new to writing fics. If you like this, then I'm glad. If not, thanks anyway for reading this. 

And oh, if Yuki wasn't the Yuki Eiri you were thinking of, fine. The way I wrote the characters was how I saw them when I watched the whole series. Yuki Eiri isn't a cruel-hard-hearted person—he's just like that so he could hide his sensitive part from the rest of the world. If you've watched Gravitation, you'd understand what I am trying to explain here. ^_^ 

Constructive comments and criticisms are welcome. 


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